Elephants and Mice

Apparently, it's just an old wives' tale that elephants are afraid of mice, but when you look at some Republicans, it's easy to see why we think it might be true. This week's Concrete Dildo award goes to Drew Bruchett from TheRant, who worries that even with Republicans in control of both the White House and Congress, we're in desperate need of a Conservative Re-Revolution.

There have been several times in our nation when we have approached a crossroads. The most notable of these, of course, is the Revolutionary war. If a small band of brave leaders had not decided to fight for our freedom from the British, the entire history of our nation, and even the world, would have been completely different. Indeed, the entire course of humanity could have been changed by the outcome of that war.

I have a bad feeling where this is going. Is Drew attempting to compare the insurgents in Iraq to the soldiers of the British empire? We'll see. Strap on the knee-high boots and hold your nose. There's gonna be a lot of shit to shovel here.

We faced another such crossroads at the onset of the Civil War. The leaders of the Union, after careful consideration, decided that the preservation of the nation was worth fighting and dying for. Thus we were thrust into one of the bloodiest and most emotional conflicts of our history. With brother pitted against brother, the fate of the nation was decided again.

Comparing the Confederate States to the Insurgents? This is a new one. Oh wait, I think I know what's coming here. He's going to compare modern liberals to the southern rebels of the 1860s. I may need a bigger shovel.

President Bush is trying to take our country down the right path. By appointing conservatives with good moral values to his cabinet, he is helping to shape the policy of our country and turn away from the moral decay we experienced under the Clinton presidency and would have continued to experience under Kerry.

"You do what we say and we'll do what we want to
We're fuckin up your city and we're fuckin up your program
Fuckin all your bitches we don't fuckin give a god damn
Twisted Brown gets down with no assistance
We won't quit until we're banned from existence" - Kid Rock, originally scheduled to play at the inauguration.

By selecting judges who follow the constitution instead of “interpreting” it to suit their agendas, he is ensuring that our country will continue down the right path.

A little hint for Drew: When you write opinion columns, it sometimes helps to actually have examples that demonstrate your assinine claims.

The President can’t do this alone, though. He faces strong opposition in congress and in the public.

He does? We're talking about the President of the United States, right?

There are those who would stop our progress and even turn it around down the path of moral and social decay. They must be stopped before their disease can spread. Social liberalism has been allowed to bring about a excess of social programs which have crippled large sections of our society and tricked them into believing that they are owed a living simply because they exist.

Anyone anxious to watch Drew explain to the family of a paralyzed veteran that they shouldn't be relying on the government that sent him to Iraq to pay for his medical bills for the next 50 years? I am.

They scream of tolerance while hating anyone with an opposing viewpoint.

Let me explain something here since I've gone down this path recently with someone else. I don't hate Drew Bruchett. I don't actually send these people Concrete Dildos in the mail and require them to sit on them (although O'Reilly did request one). I just think he's an idiot. And that he deserves ridicule for using a public forum to turn our country into Iran while supposedly upholding "American values". That's all. I'm really a nice guy. Seriously.

They rant about freedoms while attempting to beat down anyone who speaks out in disagreement. They yell about love while allowing brutal dictators to kill millions of innocent people.

Yes. Instead, we should kill millions of innocent people to be able to kill all the brutal dictators. This is a level of linear thinking that would make Chris Hitchens proud.

The economic liberals, while not as morally reprehensible, can still bring about the ruination of our society. Working in collaboration with the social liberals, they have levied tax after tax to pay for their social programs.

If I understand Drew correctly, he believes that the people who set up social programs are a different group of people than the ones who think that taxpayer dollars should be used to pay for the social programs. I guess you really have to be that stupid for Bush's deficits to look fiscally responsible to you.

While preaching fiscal responsibility, they line their pockets with kickbacks and “pork”. While railing that the rich aren’t paying their fair share, they continue to vote themselves pay raises and use as many tax loopholes as possible.

Right, the liberals that control Congress are voting themselves pay raises right now. Either Drew is somehow trapped in a time warp or he's the dumbest columnist I've ever seen on the TheRant.

Their fiscal irresponsibility has led to poor financial decisions such as the social security program*, welfare and inadequate defense spending.

Uh oh, Drew wants more defense spending. He better talk to the economic conservatives to see how to pay for that. Massive deficits, they say? Excellent, it would be irresponsible to raise Warren Buffett's taxes.

Continuing down their roads would eventually lead to a socialized medical system that would cost taxpayers billions and ensure that hundreds of thousands of needy people are not able to be treated.

That sounds like a bad system. God forbid we don't have socialized medicine. People will get the false impression that a government is supposed to provide for our welfare. And you can only get that false impression from interpreting the constitution rather than following it.

We must also teach our children. This is of very high importance. The liberals have invaded our education system and are using it as an indoctrination system for the youth of this country. They are fed lies not only about the future of the country, but also about the past. They are taught such ridiculous things as Abraham Lincoln was a homosexual.

Let's see. He was a tall, skinny, one-time anti-war protester from a blue state representing a party whose strongest support was from the Northeast. Sounds like a homosexual to me.

Any child showing independent thought or disagreement with the “mainstream thought” is branded a troublemaker and watched closely. To battle this, we must start early, ensuring our children have a grounding in the truth.

Maybe we can work it into the Pledge of Allegiance. "One nation, under God, indivisible, Abe Lincoln is a virile, manly man, with liberty and justice for all"

In all, we must always be vigilant. In the 1980s, we became complacent and did not vote. This led to two terms of unbridled liberalism that has nearly brought our country to its knees. If we allow this to happen again, it could spell the end.

In the 1980's? Is he calling Reagan a liberal?

I want to have some snappy close for this, but this one was just too painful. This may be the single dumbest column I've ever seen in TheRant. My head literally hurts right now. Anyone who thinks that conservatives are an endangered minority in this country are as mentally ill as an elephant who's afraid of a mouse.