A look back at the best entertainment of 2004

What better time to look back at the most inspiring entertainment of the past year than the second week of the new year?! The second week is optimal because by now you may have forgotten all the other, inferior looks back at 2004 that you may have come across in such fine publications as "TV Week," "Peoples," and "Seventeen." It is a common trait of humanity to look back into our past and categorize the events in our lives. Typically, I use categories such as "wasted my time" or "did not waste my time." With every passing moment, death comes closer to us all, so we must heap scorn upon the entertainment which fails to delight or enlighten!!!

With that said, here are 2004's top picks:

The Passion of the Christ

Finally, after years of hoping and waiting, the wishes of every religious fanatic came true. Mel Gibson created what they had always wanted to see: Jesus getting the shit beat out of him for two and a half hours. Evidently Jesus forgot to use the safe word. Now Mel tried to make it accurate by using Arameic, but it could have been Pig Latin and it's not like anyone would have checked. On the other hand, Mel left out Jesus' important last-minute commentary on transvestites:

118 [114]. Simon Peter says to them: "Let Mary go out from our midst, for women are not worthy of life!" Jesus says: "See, I will draw her so as to make her male so that she also may become a living spirit like you males. For every woman who has become male will enter the Kingdom of heaven."

Here's another review from Reconstructed Belly Button

The Phantom of the Opera

Now here's a movie by Joel Schumacher that's based on the musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber which in turn is based on the novel by Gaston Leroux. I think I heard somewhere that Gaston Leroux stole it from the Vikings. The main character is the "phantom" and looks like a cross between Jason from Friday the 13th and The Man Without A Face (starring Mel Gibson.) He could also be Tom Cruise in Vanilla Sky after he gets in the car accident. Or maybe Jim Carrey as the Mask. Or Der Clown, who "stands up for the rights of the little people" and "fights crime with his face hidden by a plastic mask." Midgets have no greater ally. Come to think of it, there's lots of people in movies who hide their faces for some reason. Although this guy is the only one who sings about it.

Note that The Phantom of the Opera has nothing to do with Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, unless you count the allusions to the fact that Anakin's going to get his face all burned up in lava.

The Passion of the Opera

For those who are unfamiliar with this year's most exciting event, it took place in Lincoln, Nebraska on April 2. Entitled "The Passion of the Opera!", it featured "brass and percussion instruments, soloists and an organ" and not one, but MORE THAN ONE "chorus." It was quite successful. Now I've got to hand it to these folks: I imagine that bringing culture to a place like Nebraska is something of an uphill battle. And that in and of itself is quite an endeavor considering that the state has no hills.

The performance inspired such utterances as "expansive," "smashing," and "wordsmith" from local reviewers.

So you know what comes next...

That's right...

The Man Dressed in a Bee Costume Caught Having An Affair on National Television

Congratulations on guessing that one correctly. Last night I watched the show "Cheaters," which involves suspicious people spying on their cheating scoundrel significant others. If you thought Jerry Springer was Lowest Common Denominator Television, in the words of Morpheus, you have no idea how deep the rabbit hole goes. Reality television is nearing it's apex: you can now feel jealousy vicariously if you so choose. And if you're human -- which I try to be -- you'll feel a whole lot of pity too.

So this particular episode involved a man who had been cheating on his girlfriend for (apparently) three months. The camera crew follows him, yadda yadda yadda, guilty. They chase him down at a gas station and confront him. The man and his mistress are dressed up for a costume party and are getting some money from an ATM. He's taken aback but procedes to vigorously defend himself. The bee suit does not lend credibility to his arguments. After the heart-broken "cheatee" girlfriend yells "Get the fuck out of here" repeatedly, he departs.

Now, the previous three entries fall into the category of "wastes my time." Which is why I did not view them (the Nebraska one being a little unfair since that would have required a plane trip.) You'd think the last one would too, but it actually wrapped around the "wastes-my-time/doesn't-waste-my-time" scale to have placed it somewhere between a weekend retreat reawakening and the barmitzvah I never had (I'm not Jewish) in terms of significance and entertainment value. I feel as if I am now one step closer to understanding the universe. Indeed, I am nearing true enlightenment. There are polka-dots in the sky and I feel lightheaded. So this is self-actualization.