Eegah-blogging Continued

Joel: "Oh no. This guy went to the Torgo school of fondling"

A spokesman for CourtTV recently made a claim that the cameras don’t make the circus, they just capture it. I’d like to believe that, but I’ve seen enough episodes of the Real World (one) to know that when there are cameras around, people don’t quite act the way they normally do. Even supposing that the presence of cameras in the courtroom does nothing to influence behavior, does it really serve a purpose? Does that purpose outweigh the affect that a circus-like atmosphere can have on making sure that justice is carried out?

In watching coverage of the Michael Jackson trial yesterday, it all finally made sense to me. I watched a middle-aged woman outside the courtroom, who had just heard that Jackson had been taken to the hospital, faint on the sidewalk and smack her head on the ground. Her friend was screaming at people to get her to the hospital, and right then, it was all clear. This trial has the same significance to insane people as the O.J. trial had to the black community. Crazy people all over America who have felt victimized by “The Man” see this as their cause. Thousands upon thousands of the biggest freaks you can find have invaded Santa Barbara to support their hero.

If there’s any case where the CourtTV spokesman is right, it might be here. The circus, in this case, isn’t even happening in the courtroom, but outside. So let’s just go balls to the wall on this one and make it the biggest circus of all time. Let’s allow cameras everywhere. Let’s have Stevie Wonder on the stand proudly proclaiming that he’s never seen Michael Jackson do anything inappropriate. Let’s have musical performances by Smashmouth during court recesses. Let’s have Kobe Bryant as a character witness. Let’s have Corey Feldman make a TV special about how Michael Jackson is a great guy because he showed him porn and gave him wine as a teenager, but never fondled him. Let’s post odds on whether Diana Ross or Liz Taylor is more wasted on the stand. Let’s have the jury be 12 washed up celebrities and have their deliberations be the next season of the Surreal Life. Let’s have Bubbles the chimp as a surprise witness who shows up with a monocle and a top hat. Let’s have the tall dude from Night Court as the bailiff. And of course, let’s all do our best to try to forget that there’s a boy with cancer in the middle of this who’s been victimized by someone, and that we’ll more than likely never be certain who that someone actually is.

Why do this? I’m not suggesting this as a way to make money or to expose the flaws in our justice system, I’m suggesting this as a way to raise the bar so high on what viewers expect from a circus, that CourtTV will never have an opportunity to top it, and can finally stop trying. It’ll be like trying to quit smoking by going through 100 packs of Lucky Strikes in a weekend. All other trials will seem ridiculously boring again, with all the technicalities, delays, and the other boring crap that’s there to make our justice system fair. And maybe CourtTV can decide to finally put cameras in courtrooms where people with no criminal records get absurd mandatory jail sentences for drug crimes and show that on a split screen with a car thief getting probation because the jail is full.

That would be serving a purpose. Maybe we could call it “Reality TV”.